Inner child work in recovery
I had a realization about why I have been feeling so fearful, alone; about work, fatherhood, my career, and being a good husband. I seem to be trying to prove that I am “good enough”. Feeling unloved, unlovable, frightened, and mired in self-pity! Wow, just hearing myself say that I am in self-pity, is uncomfortable and liberating. The tool that I have today, to combat this self-pity and fear, is self-care. Self care, or one way of practicing self care, is done by spending time with myself. Accessing both the loving parent within, and the inner child, and allowing them as much time as they might need to connect, is the essence of this “tool” or practice. This way of thinking about my “selves” has been a critical help in establishing sobriety.
If I knew I were to die tomorrow, how would I want to spend time today? TIME, which is unquestionably the greatest gift that I am given, would be what I want to share with my children. One on one intimacy with my children. My inner loving parent wants nothing more than to spend TiME with my inner child. This is what meditation is for me today.
Allowing my inner child to feel anger, sadness, fear, and be comforted by my inner loving parent. Anxiety, fear, concern, worry, self centered pride, anger, greed, gluttony, lust, envy, and sloth are all manifestations of an abandoning relationship between these two. That the parent is not available to provide what is needed by the child, simply because they do not spend enough time together.
Do I have access to a part of me that feels free, vulnerable, clear, trusting, joyful, full of energy, truth, and a true optimist? One that believes that only good will come, and that when bad things do come they are opportunities to magnify and properly frame good? That is my inner child when he is being properly cared for. He sees nothing but abundance, and infinite light, without restriction of time.
Do I have access to a part of me that loves my children no matter what, and wants nothing more than to spend time with my children? To listen, to care for, to hold, to feed, to nurture, to comfort, to cry with, and just to BE WITH, in this infinite string of instantaneous points of limitless potential? This single point of time, removed from the infinite is in itself complete, and much more than enough. It is a gift, it is from, god, and it is to be shared.
How do I share this time with my inner child?
How do I access this “loving parent”?
Right now I can take the relationship and love that I have with my children, and superimpose that onto the relationship that I have with a little Josh, who is deserving of, love, care, hope, laughter, someone to cry with, and above all else…..time!
I do not have enough time and experience feeling the joy of giving to my little kid, or my actual children.
Is this where the fear of intimacy lives? Putting the loving father, loving parent suit on is more of a challenge.
Perhaps this is where the practice is?
Simply having him show up, in meditation and in life, one moment, one chance, after every forgiven abandonment, or fulfilled loving embrace, to keep showing up.
The past few weeks I have been taking my inner child to the baseball batting cages, to experience what I know he enjoys doing. Enjoying the hard hit balls, and the swinging strikes equally, I get to dedicate this time to our relationship.
I get most of my recovery insight from listening to others, and getting quiet enough to hear my truth in mediation. Speaking of which, this is one type of mediation that has been helpful.